Saturday, December 25, 2010

Not the greatest Christmas

Today I woke up to my brother telling me it was time to open presents. He had been up since 5, I think, and it was about 9 when I woke up. I went down stairs and in typical Hart family fashion we all proceeded to open up our gifts to each other one by one. I didn't ask for anything, in fact I told my mom I did not want anything because I have enough stuff. I mean its all just stuff anyway, we cant take it with us when we die and nothing on this earth can compare to what we will have in Heaven. However I did get some clothes and a GPS but probably the best gift I got was from my brother. It was a picture of Leah and I on prom night, this past year. I hadn't expected it at all, it was a really great gift.
      I really had not been looking forward to Christmas this year, it didn't seem like anything I could get would replace what I lost. The one thing that I desperately wanted was the only thing I couldn't have. I never got to spend a Christmas with Leah but still thoughts of what It would have been like filled my head. I know that whatever she got me I would have loved and that seeing my eyes light up by her gift would bring her shear joy! I also wondered what would I have given her or what plan would I have concocted to see that beautiful smile spread across her face? I didn't think today, even though she is gone, would be that hard. However it was one of the most difficult days yet! I was so down most of the day and I didn't want to do anything. I didn't feel the joy of Christmas that everyone else felt today. But it didn't seem like today should be this hard because nothing had changed? Christmas traditions still were as they usually are and Leah not being here didn't change a thing! But yet I was so sad all day.
            Lately, I have been so angry for no reason at all. I think its a part of the grieving process? No one has done anything to make me mad and there is no way to justify it, I have just been SO angry! This brings new thoughts and new questions that fill my head. Questions like, "Why hasn't his plan been carried out yet?" "Why cant I see him working, what plans is he setting into motion?" "Why cant he just reveal everything that is supposed to happen right now?" Questions like these are constantly on my mind. I have accepted that Leah is in Heaven and that she is a real person there, she is still living. However if Leah isn't the one I am supposed to marry then who is?! Where is my spouse and shouldn't she be here with me helping me through all this???!!!!!! It just doesn't seem fair! God has her all picked out for me, why cant her bring her to me now? I need her, I have no one like that to help me through this and she is supposed to be here for me when things like this happen! I look around at everyone who is grieving and see that they all have what I lost. Don't get me wrong I know that they are also in just as much pain as I am. But still the person that you are supposed to be able to turn to in times like this, is there for them. There go-to guy or girl didn't just die, mine did! How is that fair??!! I know this is selfish of me, but I want my spouse to be here for me now! This has been teaching me a huge lesson, that I have to trust the Lord and be content in him. I have been praying everyday, that his will be done in my life. But also that he would be preparing my wife and keeping her on a Godly path no matter where she might be. I don't even know who this girl is and I worry about her day and night. Is she OK? What is she doing? Is she making the right decisions? I know that God will bring her along when his perfect timing allows, I just wish it was sooner.

1 comment:

  1. JW: I am blown away! Simply and truly! One thought thundering in my head this morning is: Why, oh, why haven't I engaged this brilliant young man in a conversation beyond "Jerseys versus Holsteins" (which as a growing part of the world knows is a no-brainer because Jerseys rock!!)! Your depth of thought and ability to express yourself in writing is astounding. What you are doing on this blog is brave and courageous and will be ever so good for you! You will heal in God's perfect timing! And the she you know is out there for you is being moved ever closer to you by God's almighty hand! You're such an exceptional writer-Melissa's gift has been passed along in a unique way to you! Keep going!