Not the greatest Christmas

Today I woke up to my brother telling me it was time to open presents. He had been up since 5, I think, and it was about 9 when I woke up. I went down stairs and in typical Hart family fashion we all proceeded to open up our gifts to each other one by one. I didn't ask for anything, in fact I told my mom I did not want anything because I have enough stuff. I mean its all just stuff anyway, we cant take it with us when we die and nothing on this earth can compare to what we will have in Heaven. However I did get some clothes and a GPS but probably the best gift I got was from my brother. It was a picture of Leah and I on prom night, this past year. I hadn't expected it at all, it was a really great gift.
      I really had not been looking forward to Christmas this year, it didn't seem like anything I could get would replace what I lost. The one thing that I desperately wanted was the only thing I couldn't have. I never got to spend a Christmas with Leah but still thoughts of what It would have been like filled my head. I know that whatever she got me I would have loved and that seeing my eyes light up by her gift would bring her shear joy! I also wondered what would I have given her or what plan would I have concocted to see that beautiful smile spread across her face? I didn't think today, even though she is gone, would be that hard. However it was one of the most difficult days yet! I was so down most of the day and I didn't want to do anything. I didn't feel the joy of Christmas that everyone else felt today. But it didn't seem like today should be this hard because nothing had changed? Christmas traditions still were as they usually are and Leah not being here didn't change a thing! But yet I was so sad all day.
            Lately, I have been so angry for no reason at all. I think its a part of the grieving process? No one has done anything to make me mad and there is no way to justify it, I have just been SO angry! This brings new thoughts and new questions that fill my head. Questions like, "Why hasn't his plan been carried out yet?" "Why cant I see him working, what plans is he setting into motion?" "Why cant he just reveal everything that is supposed to happen right now?" Questions like these are constantly on my mind. I have accepted that Leah is in Heaven and that she is a real person there, she is still living. However if Leah isn't the one I am supposed to marry then who is?! Where is my spouse and shouldn't she be here with me helping me through all this???!!!!!! It just doesn't seem fair! God has her all picked out for me, why cant her bring her to me now? I need her, I have no one like that to help me through this and she is supposed to be here for me when things like this happen! I look around at everyone who is grieving and see that they all have what I lost. Don't get me wrong I know that they are also in just as much pain as I am. But still the person that you are supposed to be able to turn to in times like this, is there for them. There go-to guy or girl didn't just die, mine did! How is that fair??!! I know this is selfish of me, but I want my spouse to be here for me now! This has been teaching me a huge lesson, that I have to trust the Lord and be content in him. I have been praying everyday, that his will be done in my life. But also that he would be preparing my wife and keeping her on a Godly path no matter where she might be. I don't even know who this girl is and I worry about her day and night. Is she OK? What is she doing? Is she making the right decisions? I know that God will bring her along when his perfect timing allows, I just wish it was sooner.

Some people..

Have you ever wondered what Heaven will be like or what people in Heaven know about people on earth? I do all the time!! One of the biggest questions I have had is can Leah in Heaven, see me on earth? I have come to the conclusion that no she cannot because of what the bible teaches in Revelation 21:4 which says " He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the older of these things has passed away." Now in Heaven we have emotion, we are not, contrary to popular believe, a bunch of mindless idiots that when God brings us into Heaven he takes away all of our emotions accept happiness. We still have all of our emotions, but I believe we do not have any need for emotions such as sadness and fear. So this leads me to wonder, if Leah could see the pain and sadness that I am in right now, would she be happy? Could she look down, see my tears falling and still smile? No I do not think so. That is what I believe. However not everyone sees it like I do, especially non-believers. I find the most common annoyance is to look and see posts of Leahs facebook about people asking for Leah to watch over them and for her to be their guardian angel. I see posts of people basically praying to Leah and asking for her guidance, which Deuteronomy 11:18 clearly forbids. Also I find people believing that Leah is still around like a wandering spirit, which 2 Corinthians 5:8 also disproves. It drives me nuts sometimes and I just want to tell these people to wake up!!! Like I told my mother the other day "Some of these posts irritate me soo much, how come they are so ignorant?" To which she replied, "But J.W. aren't those the people who need are help the most?" Yup, of course she was right again. But it stopped and made me think, even though some of those people really get on my nerves, God calls us to make disciples of all nations we cannot just pick and choose. Even though I may not like some of the people I meet, God still loves them unconditionally and it our job as Christians to tell them about his grace, compassion and mercy.

It comes in waves...

They say that the pain of a lost loved one comes in waves. "They" couldn't be more correct! One day you'll find yourself on an emotional high, as you think that you'll be getting away from all the pain and finally be over it all. Then the next day it will all come crashing down and you will find yourself at rock bottom again. The best way I can describe it is your climbing a snowy hill and just before your about to reach the top,you slide right back down again. Each day still gets better than the last and you get a little bit stronger with each passing day but its not easy.

Each day brings new difficulties and new memories of what I once had, I wonder what Christmas would have been like with her? What Christmas surprise would she have come up with to put a big smile on my face and what would I have done for her? It makes me say "God you have brought me to my knees, I am trembling before you at the loss of the only person that I have ever deeply loved. I am surrendering to you, do with me what you will."

Two days ago I had one of the worst days so far. The pain seemed as though it might eat me alive. I still cannot imagine who God has planned for me, whoever it is she has to be one extraordinary person to replace the one I lost. Even though I feel like I will never find another like Leah, I have to believe that God will not abandon me,and right now he is working in my life. Matthew 6:33 says, "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." As long as we seek him first he will give us the desires of our hearts. I do not feel like I will ever find someone that will give me the same love or more love than Leah did. But I do trust God and I know that he WILL bring someone that is perfect for me.

Just remember this Christmas season to

How does God get through to narrow minded people?

Tonight in psychology, I was a reading a book called Radical by David Platt(very good read), while we had a break. The girl sitting next to me asked what I was reading, I showed here the book and explained that it was a christian book. Almost as soon as I said the word Christian she shut down. She asked if I was a christian and when I said yes she attacked me like I had just killed her puppy or something? She said "how can you believe in a God that sends people to hell? What kind of all loving and merciful God would do that?" When I tried to explain the how and why of God she wouldn't listen. Not only would she not listen but she would not let me speak. She just continued to mock God and tell me how stupid I was for believing in him. She asked difficult questions like "where was God when my dad was lying on his death bed, taking his final breaths?" However when I tried to answer them, she wouldn't let me talk. I wondered "God, how am I supposed to lead her to you if she wont even listen to me?" At the end of class I gave her my email address and told her to email me with any questions she might have. She didn't throw it away, so I hope she does email me. I believe that moments like this just don't happen but that they are ordained by God. I know I planted a seed tonight and I don't know how this all works towards Gods plan for her life. But I know that I have to trust him and just do what he says and he will make my path straight.

God is great!

Ever since Leahs accident, I have been praying to God that he would open up an opportunity for me to talk to her family about Christ. Lately I have felt God calling me to go and try and witness to them, but I had no idea how? I knew that Leahs family would not be to open to what I had to say about Christ because of what had happened to Leah. However last night I found myself talking to Leahs sister, Nomi, about how I know Leah is in heaven and how Nomi can be sure she will go to heaven too. Nomi was not extremely open to what I was talking about but she did admit that her and her husband Sadan had questions, so I invited her to church. When she said that she didn't have the money to drive to church I offered to pick her up, she didn't want me to have to go to that all that trouble. I thought God, how am I supposed to witness to Leahs family if I cant get them to open up to me? The next thing Nomi said was, "How about we get together to have Bible discussions?" My immediate reaction was, YES!!!! I was so excited that Nomi had said that and I knew that it was nothing short of a God thing! God calls us to be disciples of all nations, to make his word known to everyone. Sometimes Its seems as though this is impossible, but this proves that the Lord will guide you! Just be faithful and pray faithfully, he will light your way.
Proverbs 3:5-6. " Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge him and he will make you paths straight."

Spread it around

Today I was reading 2 Timothy in my bible and it really just reinforced everything I have been trying to learn. It is Paul writing to his son Timothy and just in the first two chapters Paul is telling Timothy how he should live his life as a Chirstan and how he should be spreading the gospel. It really just hit home on how I need to be in my daily walk as far as spreading the gospel. So often I think we as Chritans believe that its not our job to teach others about Christ. It the job of the Pastor or someone who is trained in that area. This is wrong it is all of our jobs as Christans to lead others to Christ and to show others who Christ is by how we live our lives. Its scary to think that 4.5 billion people in the world today have never heard of Christ and wont be saved from hell. I mean honestly what are we doing??!!! Everyone deseves to know who Christ is and its ALL Christans job to tell them. Lately I have been called to try and spread the gospel to Leahs family, who dont any realationship at all. This is feels scary to me because I dont know what to say or do? How can I as a 19 year old kid try to lead these people to God? But in 2 Timothy 1:7 it says "God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, of love and of self-dicipline." With a God like mine who can be agianst me? I just have to trust the Lord and know that he will tell me what to do.

Yesterday I think that life will go on and I will meet someone else someday. But today I feel as if this empty void in my life will never be filled. I know God is trying to teach me a lesson on being content in him and not in a person. But this lesson is difficult to learn and I cant imagine any other girl by my side except the one I lost. She loved everything about me, my hair, the way I walked, my smile, my voice. She even loved the way I opened a jar of peanut butter. This makes me sit here and wonder "How can I EVER find that kind of love with anyone else??" I guess I just have to trust God that he will provide and give me what I need. God has promised me that he will take care of me and I must believe in him and do what he tells me to. I must move on and I will find another, but until that day I must be content in the Lord. "Many are the the plans of a man's heart but it is the Lords purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

Hello

Hello my name is J.W. recently I have had a huge turning point in my life with the passing of my girlfriend Leah Ward. This has been a very difficult change for me and I feel like life would be so much easier if it had a manual. Well as we all know life does not have a manual and God does not lay his plan out for us to look at. I was recently discussing this with my mother and she suggested I get a blog as an outlet for all Im going through. So here it is, the blog that will help me express my thoughts and maybe help someone else in the process. Life has no manual, but God still has a plan.