Last week was Leah's birthday and two days after was our anniversary, talk about a horrible week. Its good though, it feels like its finished somehow? I cant really explain it, it just feels like two huge milestones have past. Everyday I wonder, "If Leah was not the girl for me then where is the girl I'm looking for? What is she doing? What does she look like?" Thousands of questions fill my head about her, it makes me wish God would just put her in front of me and say "Here she is! This is the girl your supposed to marry!" Wouldn't that be awesome. But that is not the God operates, if it were no one would be required to have faith and a lot of our relationship with God would be lost. I have been pondering this a lot lately and I came to the realization that God may not have anybody picked out for me! He may want me to stay single the rest of my life. This scared me to think that she may not be out there waiting for me, wwhich is a very REAL reality. But this also made me think that even if God does not want me to marry then He will make me content in whatever I am doing.
As a Christian my biggest struggle has been finding contentment in God not in someone else. I have usually always had someone on a more personal level that I could go to talk to and be personal with. This has been a very big struggle for me to rely on going to God and not having "her" to go to. But actually when I think about it why would I want to go anywhere else but to God? There is nothing I can hide from Him so the personal level is so much higher than it could be with anyone else! Everyone has things they hide even from the most important people in there lives. But God already knows everything! So it makes sense to go to Him and not anyone else. But still this is hard for me.
Two weeks ago I met a girl in my Biology class. I thought she was pretty and I started to talk to her. The more and more I talked to her the more and more I liked her. She was smart, funny, energetic and a really awesome girl. One time when we were talking I asked her what she thought about God? She said that she loved the Lord and that she went to church. When I heard her say that I started jumping for joy. Then I asked if she was saved? "Huh?" Was what she said back. My heart sank. She was Catholic and believed that to get into Heaven you have to be the best person you can and hope God picks you. At this point I'm thinking, why? I'm mean seriously why? This is the first girl I have taken interest in sense Leah's accident and now she throws this at me? Needless to say I tried to explain salvation to her and she did not understand nor did she like the fact that I was telling her that her belief was wrong. So what should I do? Well I should stop seeing her and know that nothing can come of this. Is that what I did? Nope. I was stupid and naive. I knew what the Bible said about being unevenly yoked. " Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" 2 Corinthians 6:14. I was so starved for affection and the love that I had with Leah I tried to justify seeing this girl. I would say "well maybe I can convert her or maybe she is just confused and would be open to exploring my views?" However she wanted nothing to do with my beliefs she already had her own. On the following Tuesday I had a little bit of time before work so I went to a park I asked God to speak to me. As I walked and prayed I decided to open my Bible and see if God had any conformation for me. I randomly opened to Psalm 23. I read it, but the first sentence resonated in my head. "The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want". I knew that this was an encounter with God and I started to pray and God did speak to me. He told me that I could not continue to see this girl because she was not a believer. Something I should have known already. I continued to meditate on that first line and I realized God has it all figured out! God sees our entire lives at one time not just the day to day things we see. He is our Shepard and we are His sheep. This made me think of times when the cattle have gotten out on our farm and I go open the gate for them and try to herd them back into the into the pasture through the gate. But instead of going through the gate they decided it would be better for them to jump over the barbwire fence and get scratched and bloodied and cut. Do they end up in the same place? Yea. But could it have been better for them? Yupp! I think God is like that. He has the gate open for us but most times we decide to jump over the fence and get cut and scared. Do we end up where we are supposed to be? Eventually. But could the experience have been better and could God have poured out more blessings upon us? Of course!! But we thought our way was best because we couldn't see the whole picture. When I realized this I felt so dumb for not listening to God. I was compromising what I believed to for a relationship that is nothing compared to what God has for me. I was choosing some girl over God! Stupid, stupid, stupid!!! I know God has something so much better for me! I just have to trust in Him and know that He is God. Jeramiah 29:11 tells me he has plans for me. And His plans are perfect!