Today was the first time I cried in a while. The weather is warming up, the snow is melting and the date when me and Leah first met is drawing closer. This has been making me depressed lately which really sucks! Plain and simple, I HATE it! I felt like I had been doing so well, I felt like I was coming out of the darkness I had been in. Today made me realize that I'm not even close. They say you can't put a date on when you will be fully OK again. This is one reality I have been trying to change. I just want to know when is this going to be over?! The only thing I know for sure is that I'm not as close to being done as I thought I was.
God has been shaping me and molding me through this entire process and I believe that he has something truly great planned for me. But what is it? I want to know now! I want to just take a peek maybe at what the next year of my life looks like? That's all I want. However God does not grant us peeks, where would faith be if we knew exactly what was going to happen? We probably wouldn't even follow Gods plan and try and make our own. But anyway, lately I feel like I have been spinning my wheels. I feel so charged up to go do something immaculate for God that I get frustrated and ask why am I here? I ask "God let me go out and do something great!!! Is that not what You want?" Of course that's what He wants and that's what He has planned. But the simple fact of it is He wants me to effect change here and now. God wants me to bloom right where I'm planted. This realization struck me when I was doing my latest God study "Experiencing God". I was reading about how before we do something great God has to prepare us for that great task. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was dumbfounded that I had been missing what God was trying to teach me right now. I have been trying my best to help other people and share my testimony. This has felt so small to what I feel like I should be doing. But it hit me, "God has me doing these tasks right now to mold me into what He wants me to be, so I can accomplish GREAT things through Him later." Duh? I mean if you think about it if the manager for the Atlanta Braves baseball club told a rookie pitcher, for his career debut, he was pitching in game 7 of the World Series he probably would be pretty excited, I know I would! But when that game came he probably would do so hot. Why? Because he would not be ready! He needs a lot more experience and more training before he is ready for game 7 of the World Series. That is how God gets us ready for His ultimate purpose, by starting small and building are way up. Jeremiah 29:11 talks about how God has plans for us to prosper. But we may not be ready for that prosperity yet. We may have some more growing to do. So, as sad and scary as knowing that I have a long way to go before I'm out of this, I find it terrifying. However I am also very excited! Just seeing how He has grown me in these past few months makes me excited to see how much I will have grown when this is over.