It comes in waves...

They say that the pain of a lost loved one comes in waves. "They" couldn't be more correct! One day you'll find yourself on an emotional high, as you think that you'll be getting away from all the pain and finally be over it all. Then the next day it will all come crashing down and you will find yourself at rock bottom again. The best way I can describe it is your climbing a snowy hill and just before your about to reach the top,you slide right back down again. Each day still gets better than the last and you get a little bit stronger with each passing day but its not easy.

Each day brings new difficulties and new memories of what I once had, I wonder what Christmas would have been like with her? What Christmas surprise would she have come up with to put a big smile on my face and what would I have done for her? It makes me say "God you have brought me to my knees, I am trembling before you at the loss of the only person that I have ever deeply loved. I am surrendering to you, do with me what you will."

Two days ago I had one of the worst days so far. The pain seemed as though it might eat me alive. I still cannot imagine who God has planned for me, whoever it is she has to be one extraordinary person to replace the one I lost. Even though I feel like I will never find another like Leah, I have to believe that God will not abandon me,and right now he is working in my life. Matthew 6:33 says, "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." As long as we seek him first he will give us the desires of our hearts. I do not feel like I will ever find someone that will give me the same love or more love than Leah did. But I do trust God and I know that he WILL bring someone that is perfect for me.

Just remember this Christmas season to

How does God get through to narrow minded people?

Tonight in psychology, I was a reading a book called Radical by David Platt(very good read), while we had a break. The girl sitting next to me asked what I was reading, I showed here the book and explained that it was a christian book. Almost as soon as I said the word Christian she shut down. She asked if I was a christian and when I said yes she attacked me like I had just killed her puppy or something? She said "how can you believe in a God that sends people to hell? What kind of all loving and merciful God would do that?" When I tried to explain the how and why of God she wouldn't listen. Not only would she not listen but she would not let me speak. She just continued to mock God and tell me how stupid I was for believing in him. She asked difficult questions like "where was God when my dad was lying on his death bed, taking his final breaths?" However when I tried to answer them, she wouldn't let me talk. I wondered "God, how am I supposed to lead her to you if she wont even listen to me?" At the end of class I gave her my email address and told her to email me with any questions she might have. She didn't throw it away, so I hope she does email me. I believe that moments like this just don't happen but that they are ordained by God. I know I planted a seed tonight and I don't know how this all works towards Gods plan for her life. But I know that I have to trust him and just do what he says and he will make my path straight.

God is great!

Ever since Leahs accident, I have been praying to God that he would open up an opportunity for me to talk to her family about Christ. Lately I have felt God calling me to go and try and witness to them, but I had no idea how? I knew that Leahs family would not be to open to what I had to say about Christ because of what had happened to Leah. However last night I found myself talking to Leahs sister, Nomi, about how I know Leah is in heaven and how Nomi can be sure she will go to heaven too. Nomi was not extremely open to what I was talking about but she did admit that her and her husband Sadan had questions, so I invited her to church. When she said that she didn't have the money to drive to church I offered to pick her up, she didn't want me to have to go to that all that trouble. I thought God, how am I supposed to witness to Leahs family if I cant get them to open up to me? The next thing Nomi said was, "How about we get together to have Bible discussions?" My immediate reaction was, YES!!!! I was so excited that Nomi had said that and I knew that it was nothing short of a God thing! God calls us to be disciples of all nations, to make his word known to everyone. Sometimes Its seems as though this is impossible, but this proves that the Lord will guide you! Just be faithful and pray faithfully, he will light your way.
Proverbs 3:5-6. " Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge him and he will make you paths straight."

Spread it around

Today I was reading 2 Timothy in my bible and it really just reinforced everything I have been trying to learn. It is Paul writing to his son Timothy and just in the first two chapters Paul is telling Timothy how he should live his life as a Chirstan and how he should be spreading the gospel. It really just hit home on how I need to be in my daily walk as far as spreading the gospel. So often I think we as Chritans believe that its not our job to teach others about Christ. It the job of the Pastor or someone who is trained in that area. This is wrong it is all of our jobs as Christans to lead others to Christ and to show others who Christ is by how we live our lives. Its scary to think that 4.5 billion people in the world today have never heard of Christ and wont be saved from hell. I mean honestly what are we doing??!!! Everyone deseves to know who Christ is and its ALL Christans job to tell them. Lately I have been called to try and spread the gospel to Leahs family, who dont any realationship at all. This is feels scary to me because I dont know what to say or do? How can I as a 19 year old kid try to lead these people to God? But in 2 Timothy 1:7 it says "God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, of love and of self-dicipline." With a God like mine who can be agianst me? I just have to trust the Lord and know that he will tell me what to do.

Yesterday I think that life will go on and I will meet someone else someday. But today I feel as if this empty void in my life will never be filled. I know God is trying to teach me a lesson on being content in him and not in a person. But this lesson is difficult to learn and I cant imagine any other girl by my side except the one I lost. She loved everything about me, my hair, the way I walked, my smile, my voice. She even loved the way I opened a jar of peanut butter. This makes me sit here and wonder "How can I EVER find that kind of love with anyone else??" I guess I just have to trust God that he will provide and give me what I need. God has promised me that he will take care of me and I must believe in him and do what he tells me to. I must move on and I will find another, but until that day I must be content in the Lord. "Many are the the plans of a man's heart but it is the Lords purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

Hello

Hello my name is J.W. recently I have had a huge turning point in my life with the passing of my girlfriend Leah Ward. This has been a very difficult change for me and I feel like life would be so much easier if it had a manual. Well as we all know life does not have a manual and God does not lay his plan out for us to look at. I was recently discussing this with my mother and she suggested I get a blog as an outlet for all Im going through. So here it is, the blog that will help me express my thoughts and maybe help someone else in the process. Life has no manual, but God still has a plan.